The year 2022 was a difficult one for me. After thirty intense years of mothering young children, I was adjusting to a new life with my children all grown up. The part-time contract work I had been doing was drying up. I was looking for a publisher for a novel I had written, with no success, and experiencing insurmountable writer’s block in trying to start another. Two years of Covid restrictions had taken a toll. Despite medical care, the depression that has been my lifelong companion was at a peak. Along with the misery of anxiety and inertia, depression interfered with my ability to feel the Spirit. My testimony felt like a tender plant that had withered in a spiritual drought.
It was difficult to find my way through each day, much less find a path out of the rut I was in. I asked my husband for a blessing, hoping for counsel. The Lord blessed and promised me that I would find answers, a hard promise to trust at a time when answers didn’t seem to be coming.
Recording Impressions Is Essential
The call to record answers to my prayers came repeatedly before I made it a habit. I tried it in July, and soon petered out. I was inspired during the October general conference to try it again, but, in my imperfection, I didn’t follow through on the prompting. So, the Lord, with loving patience, sent a message for me through my husband, Andrew. He came to me in November and counseled me to reach out in prayer, then linger and listen with a prayer journal and pen and record the answers I received.
Sadly, I responded, “I don’t think the Lord has answers for me.”
He replied gently, “I think He does.”
Andrew’s confidence encouraged me. I also remembered counsel from my patriarchal blessing to pray vocally. That evening, I went to my room, shut the door, pulled out my journal, and voiced a few hesitant thoughts to my Father in Heaven. It didn’t take long before I felt the warmth of my Father’s love. I wrote in my journal, “I matter, just by being there for my husband and children and others . . .I matter!”
The Lord Speaks to Me in Many Ways
Over the weeks and months that followed, my answers took many forms. There was gratitude for my blessings and comfort for my emotional pain. I received promptings to reach out to family and friends. I was given to know who among them to pray for and specific blessings to request on their behalf. I received powerful and frequent directives to turn to the Lord in my difficulties and decisions throughout the day, not just in my formal prayers. I was provided with insight into my feelings and motivations, as well as promptings to make small changes, like putting my phone away at bedtime. These had a big impact.
Praying aloud made my prayers vastly more concrete and personal. Waiting for inspiration and writing it down helped me to listen purposefully and access the Saviour's enabling grace to follow through on the instructions I was given.
My Healing Begins
In a few months, my depression lightened significantly. In a few more months, I was guided toward a change in career and given a new direction in my writing. The Lord began reminding me to seek out joy in my everyday activities. Over time, I didn’t need to look for moments of joy: joy was deep and immediate. Gradually, my withered testimony greened and began to grow. I had tangible evidence that prayer worked and that the Lord was involved in the details of my life.
Andrew works at a university, assisting faculty members in using computer programs in their teaching. When he began this role, he taught many workshops. However, he found that participants didn't retain the information they received until the time when it became relevant. They applied and internalized instructions more effectively when the answers were provided at the moment the questions arose. Now, he facilitates “The Sandbox,” a computer lab where professors can bring their tasks and receive immediate help in completing them.
Sometimes the Only Way Around is Through
Before I began my improved process of prayer, I wrote this significant thought in my journal: “I've been praying for a way out of this, when maybe I should be praying for a way through it.” Prayer has become my “Sandbox.” It is my source for daily or even hourly encouragement, enlightenment, and course correction. The beauty of this hands-on training is that it stays with me and changes me, one little insight at a time.
As President Nelson counsels us, “Find a quiet place where you can regularly go. Humble yourself before God. Pour out your heart to your Heavenly Father. Turn to Him for answers and for comfort. Pray in the name of Jesus Christ about your concerns, your fears, your weaknesses—yes, the very longings of your heart. And then listen! Write the thoughts that come to your mind. Record your feelings and follow through with actions that you are prompted to take. As you repeat this process day after day, month after month, year after year, you will “grow into the principle of revelation” (in Conference Report, Apr 2018, 95).
I am deeply grateful for a Heavenly Father who loves me unconditionally and for my Saviour, whose sacrifice and strength make it possible for me to return to Them. I know They answer prayers and stand ready to show each of us the specific and personalized next steps we need to take in the process of becoming more like Them.